I hope you enjoy it and it leaves you in a state of flux where you're not content with the status quo.
This post is part fiction, part reality as most things are when one writes.
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Surrender
“…and
I’ll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered… ”
My
voice trails off as my eyes behold the most peculiar sight. We're fifteen minutes into the praise and worship section during first service at Mavuno Downtown when they walk in past where I'm standing with arms outstretched almost as if to touch the sky.They're shown to seats three rows ahead of me by an usher and I can see her say 'Thanks' in what I believe is an almost reverent whisper because they are in the house of the Lord.
I'm still perplexed. They've walked into MY church I might add... To be honest I
would have thought that I'm seeing apparitions if not for the fact that
Alissa nudged me while still belting away with the most angelic voice
on the planet. Sometimes I wish I was born with a voice so sweet...
Did
I just shake my head with my eyes closed in order to understand better what I am seeing?
Yes, I might have not once but twice, ok maybe severally.
Then I realized why I was here,
in God’s sanctuary, and tried to not only internalize but said a quick prayer
against the shock (read blow to the heart and sheitan's devious ways) and to give myself back over to the
worship. Which is difficult when your head is racing a thousand thoughts a
minute trying to process something completely out of scope on an early Sunday
morning.
Be
very aware and careful when you’re praying because God will occasionally answer
your prayers in such resolute fashion that leaves you bowled over, wondering why you prayed
in the first place. Ignorance in most of its forms is usually bliss however, wahenga walinena waliposema...
Trying
to remind yourself that “He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me” becomes
extremely difficult when you’re busy staring down your S/O’s head in church as
he’s rocked up with another woman. You try to pontificate and justify that she's probably just a friend but you remember the number of nights he went out late on Saturday after promising to go with you to church on Sunday morning, and also considering how you offered to do the Saturday 5 pm service at Nairobi Chapel to accommodate his errant ways but he said he doesn't believe in going to church on a Saturday, and, maybe you consider, he doesn’t know you moved churches but even that leaves you with a tangy,
bile infused taste in your mouth. But then again, you realize, maybe he was
never yours to take to church in the first place.
And
you remind yourself that you did ask God for an answer to your prayer last
night; for Abba to guide you when it came to your three year relationship that
doesn’t really seem to have legs anymore, a relationship that seems to be on
the rocks with sirens calling out on either side (maybe you shouldn’t have
watched all that TV last night), whether He’s for it predominantly and ‘could you please
show me a sign because I am not at peace and I promise I’ll go to church tomorrow to make
up for missing a lot of services last year’.
In
your pondering and continued worship, you remember that HIS ways are not your ways and His thoughts are not your thoughts. Because they are always bigger
than you could ever imagine. And you realize belatedly that you always assumed
that like a petulant spoiled child that He would always do what you wanted, like
making Lucas propose soon because you tend to marry someone after a spell of being together like the aforementioned 3 years right? Wrong.
However Jehovah Jireh, our provider and healer (of broken hearts or otherwise) always wants better for you so He will
temper your heart during this period and make you stronger. And you are
stronger because you said He should give you strength to accept His will no
matter what may come and you felt at peace as you said that prayer
and wrapped it off with an ‘in Jesus name, amen’ in order to make it absolute.
You
should have remembered the word says that ABOVE ALL ELSE you should guard your heart for from it springs the issues of life
but you were too busy accepting proposals of dates from a man who fit the basic
criteria (broad shouldered, masculine to a fault, alpha male, well off), and who
helped get your parent’s off your back even though your heart/soul/intuition had
loud clanging bells and gongs going off in protest because it (they) knew he
wasn’t “the one”.
And
you belatedly but gladly also remember that before you were formed in your mother’s womb
He knew you, and He consecrated you. Therefore this mediocrity you’ve assigned
yourself to is clearly not His portion for you so you settle deeper into your chair and
focus on what the Pastor is preaching about, servant leadership, because it’s
actually important to your current growth as an individual.
Even though you
find your eyes routinely sliding over from Pasi to stare at the back of his head and back to Pasi, it’s
not daggers that would have decapitated him with the death of a thousand cuts . You diligently search your heart and find that you’re not as caught up in all the
conflicting emotions you had going through you a scant twenty minutes
before.
You
somehow find the grace to be grateful that maybe, just maybe, since Lucas isn’t
for you (and you can tell because of how closely he’s wrapped his left fingers
around her right hand and leaned in as if to inhale her being) that maybe they’ll start going to church more together and become
better Christians because God knows... we all need more Jesus.
